Friends, Food and Firearms Make Great Gifts for Dark Fiction Authors
Many dark fiction authors are Nihilists and/or Buddhists, which makes gift-buying notoriously difficult. What do you buy for someone who’s let go of material concerns and doesn’t want anything at all?
But don’t worry. I’ve compiled a short list of sure-fire gifts that will have the dark fiction author in your life smirking broadly. (They never smile. True.)
1 – A Thesaurus
As we all know, a thesaurus is the resultant offspring of a Magical Liopleurodon and a Balrog of Morgoth. Thesauri only eat live mammals, and they eat a lot. The City of Minneapolis bans walking thesauri during daylight hours, which makes them perfect companions for our dark fiction friends here in flyover-land.
I got one, and while I don’t see why a thesaurus is a MUST for authors in general, but I can tell you their temperament is a perfect match for dark fiction authors. They make very loyal pets, and they’re a great inspiration for story material.
Added Benefit: Having a thesaurus also keeps stalker fans and agents from visiting.
2 – Unicorn Meat
Even dark fiction authors have to eat. And where else can you get a full day’s supply of sparkles AND magic? Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat is sure to hit the spot, and give any dark fiction author a boost of energy during those late-night manuscript revisions.
My thesaurus LOVES unicorn meat, but as I said, it only eats live mammals, which makes unicorn meat an extremely rare treat at my house. Which is a good thing, because cleanup is a bitch.
3 – Mossberg 590A1 Tactical Shotgun
Dark fiction authors have manuscripts to defend. They got mouths to feed. And keeping unruly agents, stalker fans, unicorns and thesauri in line cannot be left to standard-issue armament.
Hence, the Mossberg 590A1 Tactical Shotgun:
9 shot. 12 gauge. An aluminum stock that does more positions than the Kama Sutra. And it comes in Dark-Fiction-Author-Black.
I highly recommend Glaser Safety Slugs for indoor use.
It’s a short list, I know, but beyond friends, food, and firearms, there’s not much to pique the interest of your average dark fiction author.
If you know of other great gifts for authors of dark fiction, be sure to drop your suggestions in the comments below.