I’ve decided that the “Republicrat” system of government we currently have in place is not working. Republicans / Democrats have had their chance to fix things, and they’ve both proven themselves incapable of acting reasonably, rationally or amicably with each other.
Therefore, I have declared myself as King of the United States. My first acts as King are as follows:
- The Metric System. Right Fucking Now.
- Military School – Department of Education will merge with the US Military. Students live on the military bases. Classes will be broken into 1 week segments and if you don’t pass the segment, then you repeat it.
- Tom Green, Adam Sandler and Howard Stern – are to be Stoned to Death for crimes against comedy.
- Bruce Springsteen – can choose between Exile and being Stoned to Death for trying to cash in on the 9-11 tragedy.
- George Lucas – is hereby ordered to retract the Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, and refund all the money paid to moviegoers. Any further mention of ‘midi-clorians’ and he will be Burned at the Stake on Pay-Per-View.
- Self-Sustaining Prisons. Those who cannot abide by the laws laid down by the King will work on self-sufficient farms, providing services for their own separate controlled community.
- Reality TV Courtrooms . Since you Americans like your “reality TV” so much, all trials will be moved to live television, and the audience can vote for justice via phone or internet. It is every person’s moral obligation to vote on these issues. One vote per person.
- No expectation of privacy in public areas. All people will have a RFID/GPS chip attached to their brains at birth, so the government can know where you are at all times. Cameras will be mounted at every corner. Your every move will be recorded.
- 10% Flat Tax – You tip more than this, so stop bitching. 10% of every transation goes to me, and I’ll budget it where I see fit.
- The King will have a secret group of Smokin-Hot Female Ninja Assassins to make sure these laws are enforced.
These are just off the top of my head. I’ll think up more as I go along.