I’ll be honest, even if former-teen-pop-princesses Tiffany and Debbie Gibson weren’t in this movie, I still woulda watched it. Because there’s three things you know for sure about a movie named Mega Python Vs Gatorord:
- There’s gonna be a Mega Python in it.
- There’s gonna be a Gatoroid in it.
- They’re gonna rumble.
Sells itself, right?
But it gets better. Like an infomercial, this movie just keeps adding on reasons you should see it. Serious monster movies like The Thing, Aliens, Cloverfield, and others are great fun in their own right. But movies like Mega Python Vs Gatoroid emphasize the campy, kitchiness of later Godzilla films, which makes such a preposterous movie recipe, I’ll bet even those who don’t like horror films could enjoy it.
- When Tiffany feeds experimental steroids to Everglades Gators and says, “This isn’t crazy right? I mean what could possibly go wrong…?”
- When three people search the Florida Everglades on foot, and actually find the person they are looking for….
- When a block-long Mega Python bites into a blimp, which deflates like a balloon, spinning off into the sky trailing the hapless reptile PHBBBBBbbbbb…..
I know, you should probably just stop reading this review now and jump on Netflix, right?
But Wait! There’s More!! Because there’s three things you know for sure about a movie with Tiffany AND Debbie Gibson in it:
- Tiffany’s gonna be in it.
- Debbie Gibson’s gonna be in it.
- They’re gonna rumble.
This film releases almost a quarter-century of tension when Tiffany and Debbie Gibson get in a catfight which becomes a foodfight, which becomes a whipped-cream-smearing contest which somehow becomes a water-fight when they land in a pond that was not remotely close by… Whew! The only thing missing was a brass pole for them to spin on as they fought.
Someone sold their soul to the Gods of Hipster-Pop-Culture-Soft-Porn to get this movie made.
Makes you wonder why there’s a hunger problem, because there’s enough cheese in this film to supply the entire earth’s population for at least a month. Plot holes bigger than the largest gatoroid. Leaps of faith longer than any mega python.
Oh yeah, and a special guest appearance by Mickey Dolenz of the Monkeys. Q.E.D. already. You had me at “Debbie Gibson smears whipped cream across Tiffany’s cleavage.” Twenty years ago, I would’ve dropped cash to see that…
Wait a minute. What am I saying? I’d still drop cash to see that. Now if only Torid or Vivid Entertainment could step in…well, maybe some fantasies are best left unresolved.
Someone needs to put a name on this genre of film. I hope The Asylum has a whole Mega Python Vs Gatoroid series planned for aging, pop culture match-ups:
- Boy George vs George Michael?
- Brittany Spears vs Christina Aguliera?
- Rihanna vs Alicia Keys?
- Nikki Minaj vs Mariah Carrey?
- One Direction vs Justin Bieber?
Any others? Put them in the comments below. And be thankful there’s a career and a market for aging pop stars to look forward to.