I got a letter from the Government the other day. Opened it and read it. It said they were suckers.
It stated that the top secret, classified file they keep on me has been stolen. Apparently, I am not to worry that my name, SSN, birthdate, and several risque pictures of me have been compromised.
The reason I am not to worry is that “No evidence of illegal use of your information has been found.”
Whew! Thank goodness! Fortunately, I have a plan for dealing with someone who tries to steal my identity.
I’m going to let them have it.
The nanosecond someone pretends to be me, I am GONE, and let’s see them try to dodge the MN Dept of Corrections, my Parole Officer, my Psychoanalyst, my Bookie, the Child Support Collections Office, the IRS, and…
…my Student Loan Officer. She’s mean.
Not to mention I owe Satan a favor or two.
So I almost feel sorry for the person who tries to open an account in my name.
Meanwhile, I have a new life all mapped out, on a Pimento farm in California (the side that IS NOT going to fall into the ocean any day now…) I’ll get some cornrows, change my name to Iggy, and wear sandals and clothing made from hemp.