High school reunions were invented by the ‘popular people’ from school, when popularity failed to follow them past graduation into their new career as a waitress/film-production-assistant’s-assistant/phone-sex-operator.
In order to rekindle that narccistic flame of self-importance and bask in its feeble glow every ten years, they ask you to pay money to gather in the pleasure of their company. Their charisma. Their presence. Their charismous presence. (Sorry)
It’s hard to imagine why anyone would actually pay to hang out with people who wouldn’t let you sit near them at lunch. While I never understood why people think you are interested in them simply because you were forced into the same building with them every weekday for most of your teenage years. However, I’ve managed to compile a valid list of reasons you might actually consider attending your High School Reunion:
1 – Trolling
No joke, if you are looking for the hook-up, this is the place. There are only two types of people at the High School Reunion: those who were More popular than you, and those Less popular than you. One group you have always wanted to nail, and the other group has always wanted to nail you. Bring plenty of protection, and make sure all your shots are up to date.
2 – Revenge
Remember when so-and-so stole your underwear in the Locker Room while you were in the shower? Remember when so-and-so spread all those nasty rumors about you? This is your chance to return the favor! Get their e-mail address and sign them up for a bunch of porn mail lists! Get them drunk and get a bunch of embarrassing details out of them to spread at the next reunion! Sleep with them, and never call them again! Oh yes, and definitely steal their underwear when you leave…
3 – Selling
If you’re into Amway, Mary Kay, Avon, or any Marketing-Scheme-Based business, you can’t pass up this opportunity for potential clients. This includes selling of religious ideals too, so you Jehovah’s Witnesses, Scientologists and Fire-N-Brimstone-Sermoners will have access to a new audience of potential converts.
4 – Redemption
Ah yes, let’s not forget redemption, or ‘Correcting the Sins of the Past’. So you’ve seen Flatliners one too many times, and feel the need to set things right? Well, here is your big chance! Go back and admit to so-and-so that you stole their underwear in the locker room while they were in the shower! Tell so-and-so that you started all those nasty rumors about them! Sleep with them, or buy them a drink, and get it all off your chest! Just think, all those years of being an asshole, and you can dump all that guilt for the price of a dinner! Even the church doesn’t give you that much bang for your buck.
5 – Correction
Were you the one everyone made fun of in school? The one whose idea of a good day was finding a quiet place to sit during lunch/recess where you wouldn’t be picked on? Were you a misunderstood artiste, unfairly labeled as a ‘freak’?
Finally, you can shed the labels of the past and change the misplaced public perception of yourself! You got your braces off now, and have long since traded in your DND books for a weapon collector’s license. Rent yourself a pimped-out stretch SUV and a half-dozen female ‘escorts’, an Armani silk suit, and enough cologne to announce your arrival minutes before you actually walk into the room. Don’t forget to work on a hint of foreign accent. Ah, the looks on their faces when you bust out a Colt .44 Anaconda Custom! That will change their opinion of you right-quick! Get ready to hear, “Wow, you’ve really changed…”
6 – Show-Off
This might fall under the ‘revenge’ category in some cases and ‘correction’ category in others. But if you are doing well, there is no better place to show off your success and brag about how great you are, than to a group of people who are gathering to mentally weigh off each others success. This is the reason the popular people go, and the reason Reunions were invented in the first place.
Remember, even if you aren’t doing that well, you can still fake it…
7 – Downward Social Comparison
If you grew up to be an average person – truly average – and for some reason feel that you should’ve/could’ve/would’ve done better, you owe it to yourself to go to your Reunion, and see the whack jobs who show up there. Go and see all the people preaching/selling/trolling/brandishing firearms. Go to see the former prom queen with her third husband and eight misbehaving children. Go and see the Jock who used to push you around, but who now weighs over 300 lbs and the only thing he is pushing is a chair – up to the buffet table, because ‘the plates are too damn small’. Go to remind yourself why you never talked to these people after graduation…
As you can see, there’s many reasons to attend your class reunion. None of them worked on me, but if you can think of any others that I missed, drop them in the comments below.