A quick glance at Energy
A quick glance at Energy
A quick glance at Energy
This conversation took place at work today. More or less. I don’t actually remember much of it.
Coworker: “You take your coffee black?”
Me: “Yeah, it’s the scalding heat and bad taste that actually keeps me awake. I’m immune to caffeine.”
Coworker: “You know, maybe if you injected the coffee right into your veins it would work better, heh!”
Coworker: “That reminds me, I gave blood the other day, and I swear chocolate came out! heh! Have you ever given blood?”
Me: “I can’t. My blood would kill a normal human being.”
Coworker: “Really! How do you know that?”
Me: “When I gave blood it dissolved the plastic bag they put it in. Now I’m on some kind of black list.”
Coworker: “Wow, that’s like a super-power! Maybe you could sell it to the military or some bioresearch company.”
I’m sorry to disprove the findings of the site www.aspartamekills.com, but I have proof that aspartame does (in fact) NOT truly kill.
Because I drink 1.5 Litres of Diet Coke per day.
On a good day.
And I don’t have many good days.
So get a fucking life.
Say, how are those commodity shares doing, boys? Sugar prices doing OK with all that FUD you are spreading? Super.
Hey, go right ahead and tell the people aspartame kills you. I think that’s great, because it keeps the price of Diet Coke down. Long as I don’t have to buy it in an alley and inject it (because I totally would.)
The original Jolt Cola was released in 1985. The grandfather of energy drinks, Jolt’s motto was “All the Flavor and Twice the Caffeine.” The caffeine content of Jolt was equivalent to drinking several cans of Mountain Dew, which had the highest caffeine content of any soda at that time.
Now, 20 years later, Jolt
The original. Ick. I never liked the original Jolt, but then again, you don’t drink Jolt because it tasts good. You drink it because the mail server is *down* and I don’t care if it is 3AM, By God, if you don’t get that thing fixed by the time the boss gets to the office to check her daily milflist, you might just as well jump in the car, head to Canada, and never look back…
Appearance: Standard color – dark-brown cola crossed with coffee.
Aroma: Earthy Bittersweet Cola mixed with Hydrochloric Acid and Wookie Scrotum.
Taste: Flat, stale Pepsi, only more bitter, and more sweet, and still more bitter.
Effect: The ghastly taste has more effect on your state of awareness than the caffeine and sugar combined.
Overall Evaluation: Ick. With other flavors to choose from, the only use for this I can imagine is stripping paint. Do not take on an empty stomach.
Now we’re talking. I’ve always loved Jolt Cherry Bomb, and the fact that it is difficult to find only makes it more attractive.
Appearance: Color was standard cherry cola; no surprises.
Aroma: Unmistakable cherry cola and a hint of tangy, wet leather.
Taste: Thankfully, the taste has not changed – Sweet cherry and slightly bitter cola with a surprisingly smooth finish.
Effect: Similar to the effect of eating a kilo of chocolate and a kilo of raw Sumatra coffee beans. Decreases reaction time to a negative number, meaning the body can react slightly before stimulus occurs. Increases eye-hand coordination along with speed; making it possible to thread a sewing machine while it is still running.
Overall Evaluation: OMFG. Without question, the best cherry cola ever made. Do not exceed .733 of one can in a 24-hour period, or Spontaneous Human Combustion can occur.
Be careful, this can is very similar to the regular Jolt Cola but significantly different in both taste and effects.
Appearance: Unnaturally bright red. Actually glows in the dark. Glow increases when shaken. (Warning: DO NOT SHAKE!)
Aroma: Pungent floral and tropical fruit with a splash of turpentine.
Taste: So impossibly sweet that the taste of smoked salmon, guava and an entire acre of condensed pseudo-fruit is nearly imperceptible.
Effect: Limited superhuman abilities, possibly including the ability to fly (I was not able to test this.)
Overall Evaluation: Dangerous, possibly flammable. Do not smoke while drinking this product. Attracts killer bees. Do NOT sell to third world countries or terrorists. Does not cause stains; instead, it actually disintegrates most common elements.
Surprise! I had low expectations from a beverage I thought might actually stain my tongue permanently blue, but was overjoyed when I tasted it. I was not so overjoyed when it foamed all over the place when the can was opened.
Appearance: Liquefied Smurf.
Aroma: Extremely strong odor of Grey Latex Paint and Cilantro massively overpowered by Dark Fruity Citrus and Raspberries.
Taste: Highly-carbonated Blue Raspberry Snow Cone, mixed with Ammonia and Tang.
Effect: Hysteria, Dementia, Visual and Auditory Hallucinations, Blackouts, Memory Loss.
Overall Evaluation: Excellent cohesion, bonds in seconds. Stains everything it comes in contact with bright blue, but cleans up easily with Liquid Nitrogen. May attack some plastics. Mixes well with tequila – best results were achieved when mixed one part Jolt Blue to 6×10^3 parts Cuervo 1600. Seems to negate the effects of Jolt Red, resulting in a warm sparkling water when mixed together.
This sugar/carb free alternative was another unexpected pleasure, and a fine addition to the Jolt family. Contains Splenda sweetener.
Appearance: New, Bright-Green Radiator Fluid mixed with Old, Bright-Green Alien Urine.
Aroma: Weak Citrus Fruit with a hint of overripe bananas and seawater.
Taste: Radiator Fluid and Uranium 238, but mostly watered down Mountain Dew.
Effect: Heightened sensory awareness, body temperature raised enough to melt snow within one meter; making this a poor choice for those attempting winter sports. Causes all bodily fluids to glow in the dark.
Overall Evaluation: I always wondered what they did with the used coolant from nuclear reactors. Slightly less flavor than the rest of the Jolt family, but with no carbs, this is still a great alternative to Crystal Meth. Half life of 4.5 billion years. Contact the EPA for disposal of containers.
From the website (like you care):
Serving Size: 8 fl. oz.
Amount Per Serving
Not a significant source of other nutrients.
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
I’ve little sympathy for stupid people, and all those who kneel at the altar of “carbs are the devil” are stupid people. For those who missed out on nutrition class in high school, carbohydrates are a dietary requirement for sustaining life. But there’s no harm in reducing your caloric intake, especially for stupid Americans.
And if it weren’t for stupid people, marketing people wouldn’t be able to pitch products like the new “C2” from Coca-Cola.
Since C2 contains both the artificial sweetener aspartame, AND the natural sweetener ‘high fructose corn syrup’ I’ll bet I can guess the secret formula:
C2 = Coke + Diet Coke
Much like the “Clear” fad that brought us more silliness in the form of such products as “Crystal Pepsi“, C2 will be gone just as quickly, once the Atkins crowd come out of their low-blood-sugar comas. Ah well, at least it all has caffeine in it, so it’s not all bad.
Safety Tip: Please note the difference between C2 and C4. One of them is bad for you.
[Jan 2010 Update] C2 was eventually replaced by Coke Zero, a zero calorie equivalent which tastes more like original Coca-Cola than Diet Coke.
As a public service, I have provided a link to The
Ingestion: If swallowed, do not induce vomiting unless directed to do so by medical personnel. Never give anything by mouth to an unconscious person. Loosen tight clothing such as a collar, tie, belt or waistband. Get medical attention immediately.
Hogwash. I’m living proof that caffeine is mostly harmless. Mostly.
Although I can warn you that too much caffeine has adverse effects. For example, it can cause all of your bodily fluids to become flammable. This is a plus for camping and tailgating parties.
It can also result in your bodily fluids becoming corrosive, which is hell on your wardrobe and makes it difficult to donate blood. (Unless they use special equipment to extract/contain it.) But on the positive, it is a handy deterrent against ticks, leeches, mosquitoes, and many paranormal creatures.
See? Caffeine is good for so much more than just increased productivity!
Right ON! An Italian doctor tells us what we’ve always
Coffee can be good for you – she says – and the stronger, the better.