The great thing about the Harry Potter series of films is that because they keep making almost the exact same movie over and over, I can keep writing the same review over and over. Now you can too! I’ve designed this handy template you can use to make your own Harry Potter Movie Review!
[Editors Note: Start cut here]
I saw the new Harry Potter film this week, Harry Potter and the [Fill in the Blank]. It was great. Rich sets, deep plot, amazing SFX. Not really for kids.
The movie starts with Harry getting the short end from Muggles in the real world.
Then he goes to magic school.
Then the shit hits the fan.
[Someone] dies. This is important, and controversial, and a spoiler to fans, so if you know who dies, don’t just go barking it out in public, you might get beat up.
There is a Quiddich match…[Editors Note: Scratch the Quiddich Match, there was no Quiddich Match in this one.]
[Zero’s Note To Editor: Well, they flew through London on Broomsticks, dodging boats and bridges, didn’t they?]
[Editor: Right, but it wasn’t a Quiddich Match…]
[Zero: They were on flying broomsticks, dodging boats and bridges that THEY COULD HAVE EASILY FLOWN OVER. A waste of time which would have been better served advancing the plot instead of fueling ideas for video games; no better than a Quiddich Match…]
[Editor: Good point.]
There’s an action scene on flying broomsticks.
Lots of colorful characters are introduced throughout the story. They change from “Good” to “Bad” quite often, so it’s handy to have some paper and a pencil available during the movie to keep notes.
Harry Potter very nearly dies. This is Not important. We know there are more books in the series, so we aren’t too concerned.
By the end, Harry foils the bad-guy’s plan and figures out why the title of the movie is [title of movie] and he takes the train home to his crappy life with his crappy guardians.
Harry Potter does not get laid.
I hear-tell the book is quite good, but just too complicated to convert into a 3-hour movie. They managed to do it anyway by paring down on annoying character development and by teleporting from one subplot to another with little or no grace. If there is anything left out, the director just assumes you read the book, or hopes you will go back and watch the movie a few more times to make sense of it.