[easyazon_image align=”right” height=”500″ identifier=”B000EQ5V8G” locale=”US” src=”https://conradzero.com/wp-content/uploads/51YjhG7t8iL.jpg” tag=”zero00b-20″ width=”352″]Blame Xtina. After hearing the never-ending thrashing my friends and I have given to the movie [easyazon_link identifier=”B000EQ5V8G” locale=”US” tag=”zero00b-20″]Bloodrayne[/easyazon_link] and its director Uwe Boll, I finally decided that she shouldn’t take our word for it, and experience it for herself firsthand.
So I paid a couple bucks to rent Bloodrayne:
Oh, the horror! The horrible accents, I mean. Michael Madsen sounded like he was from New York!
Oh the horrible acting! Kristanna Loken wasn’t even able to act stoic!
Oh, the Bad, Bad, Bad ADR!
Oh, the horrible delivery of lines that sounded like they were read off pieces of paper handed to the actor one word at a time!
Oh, MEATLOAF ADAY!
Oh the plot LEAPS of faith that were Jet-Propelled-Across-Time-And-Relative-Dimensions-In-Space!
…and yet…a strange thing happened.
I did not find it as bad as I did at the theater. Not remotely. Somehow, watching Bloodrayne on a TV set instead of a big screen, it seemed more like a bad episode of Xena Warrior Princess. Reviewing it as a B-Movie instead of a $10 Blockbuster, put it in a more acceptable perspective.
The movie had some large-scale sweeping shots, clearly done from a helicopter. There were some large scenes of mounted cavalry, and decent sets. It had Ben Kingsly in it. (Who I had just seen the previous day as “The Rabbi” in the movie Lucky Number Sleven ) Hell, he wasn’t even half bad. The CG was B-Movie quality, and the props were ridiculously B-Movie funny.
Don’t get me wrong; there’s a reason the movies initial release was cut from 2500 theaters down to 985. There is a reason it went from release to cable in less than a year, bypassing HBO entirely.
The reason is that it sucked. As a real, Theater-Release-Type movie, Bloodrayne sucked. As a botched movie based on a video-game that no one on the movie crew had ever heard of or bothered to investigate before filming, Bloodrayne sucked.
But hand to Dog, as a B-Movie, it’s fine. If it cost 50K to make, and went straight to DVD I never would have been so hard on it.
After the movie, we watched the bonus feature, “Dinner with Uwe Boll” where a couple ass-kissing fans got to eat dinner and speak with the man, the myth, the legend himself, Uwe Boll. After watching that, I think I understand Uwe better. He seems to know what he is, and he isn’t deluded about the kinds of movies he is making. He knows that the public views him as a hack filmmaker, cutting as many corners as possible, including hiring prostitutes as actors, because they are cheap and will do Anything, compared to people in the Actors Guild.
Uwe Boll also explained why all his previous movies sucked; the writers. And that plural is no mistake, because Uwe Boll sends scripts through several different people for re-re-rewriting, which no doubt contributes to his disjointed and convoluted plotlines that end up getting cut from the final version of the film.
But don’t worry, for his upcoming masterpiece, “Postal” he will be writing the script himself.
And keep your eyes out for [easyazon_link identifier=”B000SAGGSC” locale=”US” tag=”zero00b-20″]Bloodrayne II[/easyazon_link] (set in the Wild West!) which went straight to DVD, and the rumored Bloodrayne III which might actually have something to do with video game it was based on.
Oh, the horror…
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