I recently became the owner of brand-spanking-new Ryobi Hammer Drill! Ah, the joys of power tool ownership! Ah, the creativity of thinking up new and unexpected applications (mixing drinks? abstract painting tool? personal hygiene? home defense? marital aid? quick hair-braiding? new musical instrument?)
In a fit of un-Zero-ness, I actually sat down with the fifty page manual which explains (in fifty languages) the details of this complicated piece of electronic wizardry.
TURNING THE HAMMER DRILL ON/OFF
To turn the drill on, depress the switch trigger.To turn the drill off, release the switch trigger.
Um, candles don’t come with instructions. Neither does silverware, staplers and picture frames, and some of them are more complicated than a drill. I guess the product manufacturer cannot assume that if you buy a drill that you know how it works, but why is the manual for my drill larger than the manual that comes with Battlefield 2142?
And what about the Registration Card? Does ANYONE fill those things out? Wisely, instead of a snail-mail warranty card, Ryobi provides a website where you can register your tool in ‘your online toolbox’. But why would you be so stupid?
Here are the supposed benefits, followed by my translation
Confidential, hassle free registration for ALL your Ryobi tools.
Exciting new product information
Special offers and discounts
Weekly drawings for cool Ryobi products
[Translation: Hassle-free addition to our automated SPAM system.]
Tool tips and FAQ’s
[Translation: We replaced our entire support department with a computer and a 9-year old Taiwanese girl who keeps it running for a nickel a week.]
and last, but not least…
Through the Ryobi SuperConsumer panel, you can make a difference by giving feedback on Ryobi products
[Translation: We replaced our entire product engineering department with a computer and a 12-year old Taiwanese boy.]
Ah well, I guess I will pass on the “Exciting” product information. Well, I’ll let you know how it works for personal hygiene; I’m off to trim my nasal hair…